Lament – August 8, 2018

Praying August 8, 2018

Afraid of the Dark driving to St C – I was completely fine on the drive down to Seabrook, but as I approached St Christopher I had a dark, foreboding feeling, like a little girl afraid of the dark. Self doubt was palpable even though St Christopher is always the place I feel validated by God.

What do you do when you work for a church and need a priest?

Ted met with me at his earliest convenience, after 5 weeks, and I am severely wounded. What I want to do is quit and give him the minimum notice in order to hurt him, but what I want to do is let CC down gently. 

I was on a mission from God Sunday when I was making plans and buying curriculum. 

I am setting up the plans for the CM fall worship and discipleship so that they can all run without me, and grow connections between families. And take care of the staff. 

How would I leave the families God has given me and I have raised?

What if CC is to merge with St Peter’s and I am to take on a new role for both?

TJ’s vision in the spring was one of Mission for the Gospel, and my response was that of “I am already doing that!” I was grieved that night because I knew my ministry at CC was over. The months since have been painful to a point of stripping. Ministry has been stripped, my physical health has been stripped, my self worth and value has been stripped, my marriage has been stripped. This summer, especially the last week since Ted ripped me open, has been one of great pain and I have an image of brambles and thorns like the prince in sleeping beauty. I am the prince “pressing on toward the goal” and the princess is the Church or the Gospel or Christ. 

Last week God used Ted to present to me the last billboard. It was so painful because I was being disobedient. Painful childbirth because of Eve’s disobedience. I know that God is preparing me in a way I do not understand and if ministry at St Peter’s is not the next step I feel confident that He will guide me. I said yesterday to Ellen that I feel like God has a next step, and even now I think that God will protect me like in Isaiah 43. I won’t fall in the water when I lunge for that lily pad, there will be no lunging but a very soft landing. I won’t get burned by the fire but I will glow as if transfigured. The service today was about the transfiguration of Moses and the change on his face and on Jesus’. When I spoke to Laura tonight and she told me about going to St Peter’s and that they need a Children’s Minister it felt too hard. I felt too wounded and raw to consider staying in ministry. But when I looked at myself in the mirror after that conversation I saw my glowing beauty. I saw a glow as if I were transfigured. 2 weeks ago I asked Women of Faith to help me see myself the way God sees me. Last week I was sure that I was complete rubbish. Beginning Sunday with the lesson productivity I began to see myself again. I felt my ministry gifting. I spoke to Ellen about the collaborative ministry between CM and Day School. I felt like my creative, gifted self was back in a way I haven’t for years. I realized that I haven’t been Director of CM for years. I’ve spread myself too thin, but God grew me through it. My obedience to Him built churches in Kenya and grew ministry. Mt P is my mission field. I want to feed hungry and provide shelter to those who need it. I want Mt P to have a hub of outreach to those families struggling. The people who come to Mt P to work need affordable housing so that their children can take advantage of our schools. I have a dream of Tea Room to feed hungry people in the church property or in the community. My heart is pounding in my chest and throat in a way that I know to be the Holy Spirit. Stephen Davis spoke God’s words of validation to me in front of people who needed to hear it. On Tuesday when my foundation felt like sand I reached out to my prayer warriors. By the next morning I was reaching out to Leah and people God put on my heart. God’s economy is beautiful when serving in the name of Christ brings me the comfort of Christ. (Holy Spirit pounding continues)

Judy told me last week that I am amazing because all of the ministry “comes out of my head” and I feel that now. The head/heart/spirit connection is strong. When I look at St Peter’s staff I see that the Executive Pastor is a woman. And not ordained. And there looks to be Ministry partnerships with the lay leaders. It does not feel like an oligarchy. TJ believes in mission and has been in the mission field in Haiti. What am I supposed to do with Qampicha? On the very day that I asked for God to show me how he sees me Qampicha called me from Marsabit. What exquisite timing. Tonight I am sitting here in the room alone praying for a prayer warrior to confide in and Shani asked me to be her emergency contact for her kids. God’s timing is exquisite. I feel like so many people at CC are mad at me or don’t like me. The spirit of the enemy works in my head to undermine. This summer I said that the best I feel is when I am serving on Sunday. It is energizing and enriching and my wheelhouse. So few children and families are being reached right now. St Peter’s has 200 kids. What if I am the next step for Children and Families at St P. Do they have full time staff or are they bivocational? Do I get a job in business and keep my hand in ministry? 

Come Holy Spirit. You are speaking loudly. Thank you for orchestrating everything you have and especially for loving me so much that my prayer warriors are speaking to me loudly for you. 

Today Joey and I made progress and I felt hopeful. Ted’s lack of respect for me and Joey is a clear determining factor. How can I have so much hurt built up and anger toward Ted? It has been years that I have been affected by it. Healing prayer at the Cathedral years ago revealed my issues with Ted. I have stayed and served CC in spite of Ted. Because CC was where YOU sent me. My crying out to you, lamenting, has been rewarded. Every. Single. Time. Venice with Jackie. Before I met Joey. My peace and calm at the beginning of our relationship. When Dad and Joey were having conflict and I drove home for lunch praying out loud and you made a miracle happen and Joey accepted responsibility. When I was desperate to get pregnant and I lamented all the way home from New Brunswick on the GSP. Z100 on the radio talking about traffic st exit 139. 

Ted told me that the laundry list of things I didn’t do for SFW was due to a lack of leadership. I realize that it was, I tried to just muscle it all. I knew that I wasn’t getting it all done and I was ok with it. None of the criticisms are of eternal consequence. The Gospel Was preached. Mine is a life OF ministry no matter what my next job is.