I was reminded recently that the teenagers that I am raising are my gifts from God. That was a valuable reminder since the same two teenagers are rude, snarky, disrespectful to and dismissive of their mom, me. My response to Ryan and Brady is always from my perspective, and I get mad or hurt or both. All of my efforts to make conversation and connect or just see how they are doing are met with very short answers as they move on to what they are interested in. They are all about what I can do for them, but not at all about what their part in the relationship should be. These are my sweet boys that used to cling to me when I left them at preschool or with a babysitter, and now I am the person who drives them around, stocks the fridge and buys them what they “need.”
But really, while I wish they would consider my feelings once in a while, they are just struggling with adolescence. Should they consider their mom’s feelings while they are struggling to understand their own? As a 48-year old woman I am experiencing premenopausal emotions and hormone shifts at the same time that my boys are experiencing their own set of teenage emotions and the hormones of puberty; it’s 3 different thunderstorms meeting to create the perfect storm of constant household discord.
If I am honest, I can remember back to when I was in middle and high school. Middle school was glasses and long, stringy hair with a huge forehead that for some insane reason I thought didn’t need bangs or a side part. Ugh for the late ’70s and early 80s! Friends were moving on from me because I wasn’t in the cool crowd, and the pain was real. None of the boys that were the subject of my affections returned said affections, and the pain was real. I wasn’t the biggest fan of my own mother, and I was struggling to become my own person so I had to rebel at any opportunity.
Ryan is struggling with a grueling marching band schedule, tough classes and some learning challenges. He knows that I am trying to support him, but he always says that I, “put the ‘mother’ in the word ‘smother.'” Ouch. That used to be a little tongue in cheek, and now there is an edge of anger. I love to take photos, so when I volunteered to be on the photo team for the band I thought it was a way to be a part of what Ryan is a part of. Instead, my presence has become irritating and smothering. Ryan wants to come home after a stressful day of figuratively holding his breath at school and band rehearsal and retreat into his cave of comfort and tv and video games. My role is to limit his screen time, make sure Ryan eats healthy food (for the love of God eat something other than bread and sugar!) and gets some rest. Who would look at me with love and affection? But still, I must continue to be the person who limits sugar and screen time and maximizes rest for my man-child. When Ryan lashes out at me what does through my mind is, “That’s it, I’m done.”
For Brady, academics and athletics have always come easily but he struggles with popularity. He seems so self-assured on the outside, but inside he wants to fit in like anyone else. I wonder if there has been so much cheering for him on the football field (I might be the loudest out there) that he is trying to get those cheers in other ways as well? He and his buddy, Collin, aren’t the only running backs on the team but share the ball-carrying time with 2 others. Where he was a standout star of the football team last year, this year’s more competitive league has Brady leveling off in the talent department. Academics have gotten more challenging, and he can’t just do the minimum effort and expect the maximum results. He is trying to fit in at school with new crowds of kids and his frustration level is high. I’ve always been able to talk to Brady easily, but he has never been one to open up with his emotions. Now he is even more closed up and internalizes every little thing. I am trying to ensure that Brady makes the right choices and shows the right character and works hard in academics in addition to sports. I pry into his social life in order to be in touch with what is going on with him and I get told to mind my own business. I punish him by taking his phone, and what I take away is all of his contact with his friends. He walks into the house and I pounce on him to “get a snack and get on your homework done” before football. He messes around at night with his dad and I stress out about how late it is getting to be. Brady rebels and freaks out on my and what I think is, “That’s it, I’m done.”
It seems that “I’m done” runs through my mind multiple times a day lately: work, marriage, parenthood, friendship or even the high road. But there is a reason that our family says, “Quicks don’t quit.” It’s not just a cute slogan with alliteration. What I once thought was a description of our family value I realize now is a goal and a reminder of our goal. Sometimes you stay in the game only because your goal is not to quit. Often I want to quit a situation, but I will never quit my people. Joey, Ryan and Brady are my people and my gifts from God and the results of prayers. I will continue to tell my people that not only will I never quit them, but I will never quit in general.
“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14
quicksdontquit 